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New Gang Initiation Rite a threat to
public safety
A new gang initiation rite has surfaced in major cities with far more
chilling implications than gang members riding around at night with their
car lights off, or putting nitroglycerin in the car-door locks of unwitting
victims. Gangs are now building low yield (~20 kiloton) nuclear weapons,
placing them near densely populated areas, and detonating them.
"This threat could have strong implications on the security and pacificity
of our slaves...er...servants...ah---CITIZENS", said Kriegsfuhrer Marshal
Janet Reno.
Responding to these charges, an unidentified member of the Vice Lords gang
detonated one of the gang's warheads in Schaumburg, Illinois. Apparently
dismayed that no-one noticed the difference, the gang member reportedly
decided to sign up with the Scientologists, saying, "shit, man, now this
shit is dangerous. That other shit was just preparation for my true
calling. Hail Jesus!" This latest act adds another victim to the already
destroyed cities of Kansas City, MO; Milwaukee, WI; and Portland, OR that
have been wiped from the map. Not surprisingly, nobody seems to have
noticed these, either.
The Ministry of Public Saftety wishes to issue this final warning:
If you are near a metropolitan area and you see a large mushroom cloud
forming over it, DO NOT INVESTIGATE IT personally. Already 800,000 lives
have been lost, and another 1.2 million have been seriously injured as a result
of these gang initiations. Additionally, if you see any teenaged youths
acting suspiciously, with their skin covered by burn marks and their
hair falling out, please report the sighting to the Police or your local
Nuclear Emergency Response Team.
The Nuclear Regulatory Agency was unavailable for comment, though numerous
agents were seen milling about a Dunkin' Donuts snorting crack and
generally making asses of themselves.
Click to enlarge
![[Danger Map!]](/images/nukegangs-sm.jpg)
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