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New Gang Initiation Rite a threat to public safety

A new gang initiation rite has surfaced in major cities with far more chilling implications than gang members riding around at night with their car lights off, or putting nitroglycerin in the car-door locks of unwitting victims. Gangs are now building low yield (~20 kiloton) nuclear weapons, placing them near densely populated areas, and detonating them.

"This threat could have strong implications on the security and pacificity of our slaves...er...servants...ah---CITIZENS", said Kriegsfuhrer Marshal Janet Reno.

Responding to these charges, an unidentified member of the Vice Lords gang detonated one of the gang's warheads in Schaumburg, Illinois. Apparently dismayed that no-one noticed the difference, the gang member reportedly decided to sign up with the Scientologists, saying, "shit, man, now this shit is dangerous. That other shit was just preparation for my true calling. Hail Jesus!" This latest act adds another victim to the already destroyed cities of Kansas City, MO; Milwaukee, WI; and Portland, OR that have been wiped from the map. Not surprisingly, nobody seems to have noticed these, either.

The Ministry of Public Saftety wishes to issue this final warning: If you are near a metropolitan area and you see a large mushroom cloud forming over it, DO NOT INVESTIGATE IT personally. Already 800,000 lives have been lost, and another 1.2 million have been seriously injured as a result of these gang initiations. Additionally, if you see any teenaged youths acting suspiciously, with their skin covered by burn marks and their hair falling out, please report the sighting to the Police or your local Nuclear Emergency Response Team.

The Nuclear Regulatory Agency was unavailable for comment, though numerous agents were seen milling about a Dunkin' Donuts snorting crack and generally making asses of themselves.

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