CLEVELAND, OH (June 18, 2001)- The Department of Navy has announced this morning that it will use the bulk of Ohio for its live fire exercises when they quit using the Puerto Rican island of Vieques.
Lt. Commander Katherine Goode made the announcement this morning in conjunction with VioPac DisInfo Real Estate Divisional Director Denby Dealer. "The Navy was very concerned that it couldn't find a suitable replacement in time for the President's May 2003 deadline, but thanks to the fine folks at VPDS Realty, we're about to close a deal on an amazing replacement."
Mr. Dealer added this comment: "Well, the problem was simple: What other festering third world shitholes are there under the administration of the United States? From there the choice was obvious."
However, Governor Bob Taft of Ohio disagrees. "While I can't deny that Ohio is a miserable rat warren infested with in-bred hilljack mongrels, it's apparent that politics played a role because Texas was passed over. Everyone knows which state is the real cesspool, but it just happens to be the President's home state."
Dr. Stephen Osmani, Molecular Genetics Professor at Ohio State University also states, "Given the level of genetic damage and mutation that has occurred in Ohio due to rampant syphillis and inbreeding, I doubt the use of Ohio as a live-fire exercise area will be very telling for other parts of the world."
Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Vern Clark, rebutted: "Well, hell, I've just been looking for half a chance to carpet bomb Lorain County. I can't wait. Really. Send the Nimitz group to Lake Erie and let the games begin. Whoohoo!"
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