BURBANK, CA (November 17, 1997) - The Walt Disney Corporation announced that their newest space station, "The Disney Star" is nearing completion, according to the reports of Violent Pacification Corporation, the lead general contractor for the project.
"This new station will take you to new heights in action and entertainment. With over 500 featured attractions, a hotel and commissary capable of lodging and feeding over 6 million guests, plus an all-new, cutting edge, high-tech attraction: 'Virtual Death', where you can feel like you're the victim in the death scenes from many of your favorite movies," boasted Michael Ovitz, Disney's president.
"It will also be the first theme park with sufficient destructive firepower to annihilate an entire planet. Don Bluth, your days are numbered, pal", added Lawrence Murphy, Disney Executive Vice President and Chief Strategic Officer, "As soon as we find your hidden base, you and your pathetic band of rebels will be swept away once and for all."
The public seems eager to take vacations at this newest Disney attraction. Over 50,000 people were on hand to win a random drawing to be one of 100 guests on DisneyStar to try out the completed sections of the amusement park/battle station.
Sam Resnick, of Medford, Oregon, was one of the lucky winners. Upon his return to Mos Disney Spaceport, he said, "It was fantastic! I got to try out 'Virtual Death', and it was amazing! I picked that really cool scene from 'The Godfather' when Sonny Corleone gets whacked at the toll booth. It was excellent! I *was* James Caan! You've got to try it!" just prior to loss of consciousness due to blood loss. Triage doctors expect Mr. Resnick to make at least a partial recovery.
Some have protested the construction of this huge entertainment complex/dreadnought, however. "[Disney and VioPac] stripped Brazil clean of its entire rainforest to to create atmospheric processors for [the station]", complained Roberto Kishinami, Greenpeace Brazil's executive director. "And then, they strip mined the whole country down to a depth of four miles below sea level to provide raw materials for construction. They must be stopped!" Kishinami could not be reached for comment after this, as the 312th Unified Combat Legion of Violent Pacification (Rio De Janeiro Station) arrested him and his staff for "security reasons".
"Oh, bother. Brazil was going to get stripped anyway. We just sped up the process," Disney Chairman and CEO Michael Eisner said. "It could either go a little bit at a time, making mahogany desks and burgers for uptight conservatives, or it could go with a bang, and make this magnificent combat-ready amusement and entertainment complex. To me, the choice was clear."
Nabeth Frothy, VioPac DisInfo Vice President, concurs. "It had to go. And anyway, we've sped up the process of a truly unified Latin America, what with that Portuguese language barrier and all. And now, all the other Latin American countries have a ready-to-use landfill to throw away all their used consumer goods."
"Now, Disney is poised to annihilate that bothersome Bluth fellow to boot," he added. "It's all part of the Violent Pacification Total Service Promise. Corporate Solutions That Work."
Rumors of Don Bluth assembling a fleet near the Sullust star system remain unconfirmed.
The DisneyStar, in orbit in an undisclosed star system, awaits the final stages of construction.